HtPoaCondom

They actually never taught us Community Economic Development volunteers how to put on a condom until we were thrust into a condom-putting-on-quiz-and-skit situation.  All the Community Health volunteers had been practicing on (mostly) wooden dildos for weeks.  It was terribly unfair.  However, I do believe I caught all the key points during the skits, and shall now share them with you:

1.  Check the expiration date, and throw the condom away if it’s past its expiration.  Rubber corrodes over time, and corroded rubber will not protect anyone from anything.

No comment as to what this says about anyone's social life.

2.  Squeeze the packet.  It should feel squishy, like there’s a bubble of air in it.  If there’s no bubble, that means there’s a hole in the packet.  If there’s a hole in the packet, there may be a hole in the condom, and then it’s not a barrier and won’t work for either contraception or disease prevention.  Throw it away.

Lovely and squishy!

3.  Carefully tear open the packet with your fingers.  Apparently some people think it might be sexy to tear the packet open with their teeth.  They are wrong, and in danger of damaging the condom.  Use your fingers.  Try not to wonder why anyone would think it sexy to tear a condom package with his or her teeth; it will distract you from more important things.

"Mission 701"?  No idea.

4.  Hold the condom so it makes a little party hat.  Yeah, that’s how you know it’s right-side up.  Party hat.

Party!

 

This one still looks pretty festive, but it will not unroll properly.

5.  Place the condom on the rounded end of the wooden phallus and pinch the tip of the condom.  (Do not pinch the tip of the wooden, or any other, phallus.  I mean, unless someone specifically requests otherwise.  And then reconsider your personal values.)


6.  Gently, but firmly, roll the condom over the full length of the phallic item.

This proves that the guy who chats you up in a bar by claiming that condoms
don't work on his people because they're too small (the condoms, that is)
was just lying.  I thought he was serious at first; then I turned him over to A.
She's better at that stuff, being a community-health volunteer.  Heh heh.

When you are done, carefully remove the condom so nothing spills, tie a knot with the open end and throw it away.

Condoms are about 98% effective at preventing HIV from spreading.  They're equally effective at preventing other sexually-transmitted infections like syphillis, chlamydia and HPV, which can cause cervical cancer.  They are also about 98-99% effective at preventing pregnancy, so everyone can finish school and get better jobs and have babies when they're old enough to take good care of them.  Condoms are wonderful!  Please use them.